Hawaii Al-Anon Members
share their
experience, strength and hope

Life is full in recovery

My life became crazy. I did not understand what was going on, but I knew it was not normal. The drinking of the person became very abusive, physically, emotionally and verbally. He was the father of my two daughters and my boyfriend for nine years. I hit emotional bottom when I lost my mother in 1992. I sought help in 1993.

I use the Al-Anon principles -- the Steps, slogans, my sponsor, the Traditions, and the Serenity Prayer. My sponsor played a big part in my recovery and admitting in Step One really showed me that I had a problem. Today I continue to use these tools in my life one day at a time. I know through this program I get to continue to grow in every way I could ever imagine.

Today I love my life in the fullness of recovery. I keep coming back because I have become a grateful friend of the fellowship of Al-Anon. Thanks to the grace of my Higher Power, I live and let live.

Al-Anon gave me a great gift

Before Al-Anon, my life was very predictable: he drank and I bitched; he was happy and I was angry; he was always out and I was home; he was irresponsible and I was responsible.

He checked himself into a treatment program, and they wanted me, too. Through this facility, I was introduced to Al-Anon. What a gift!

Through Al-Anon, I learned to detach from my spouse, that I was not responsible for his actions and inactions, that I could start my day over as needed at any time of the day or night, that I am just as happy as I choose to be, and that I cannot cause another person to drink. This was a revelation.

Today I am grateful for the daily gifts of the Al-Anon program. I can walk through each day with dignity and grace, treating others as I want to be treated.

The Twelve Steps helped me heal

My childhood was affected by the dysfunctional patterns of my parents, who were both alcoholics. When I came into Al-Anon as an adult, I was being affected by my mother's drinking, and I was married to a compulsive gambler.

The Twelve Steps have allowed me to heal from the unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns that I learned from my family of origin. The recovery I have experienced through applying the Steps to my life has allowed me to pass on more healthy ways of being to my children. The longer I stay in the program, the more deeply I use the principles in all my affairs. I refer to the Traditions to help me with relationships with others -- both in Al-Anon groups and in interactions with people in all areas of my life.

Al-Anon has given me a faith and a trust in life, in the universe, that affects me every waking minute. I try to say "thank you" aloud to people in my life on a regular basis. I express my thanks to my Higher Power each morning and each night. I keep going to meetings to share my experience, strength and hope with others because I know that I cannot keep my precious gift of serenity unless I am giving it away.

I express my gratitude in prayer

My dreams and expectations of my relationships were based upon a positive fantasy. Alcoholism gave me exactly the opposite plus much more mental, emotional, and physical pain that I ever could have imagined. My relationships (to alcoholics were those with) family, friends, spouse and intended spouse. My spouse's AA sponsor was the first to recommend that I attend Al-Anon.

I used all of the literature, events, stories and others' experiences of their program practice with the different consequences to substitute for my old thinking acting feeling, perceiving, reacting behaviors. I became an Al-Anon member rather than a mutant of sick people's diseases.

(I express my gratitude for recovery) verbally in prayer and I twelve step, twelve step, twelve step.

I found a new life in Al-Anon

I grew up with both parents alcoholic. My father was verbally and physically abusive; my mother was very verbally abusive. I did what (is called) the "geographic," moving 6,000 miles away from them.

I become involved with a man (who is now my husband) who turned out to be alcoholic. My life grew more insane, and when he finally went into treatment, he came home and told me there was a family group on Tuesday nights. That's where my recovery began: there they suggested Al-Anon.

I attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis. I worked the Twelve Steps of recovery with a sponsor to get a grip on my life, to get rid of the ugly, insane person and to find the new, healthier and happier person that I am today. When in crisis or in situations where I'm uncomfortable, I will repeat the Serenity Prayer and slogans ("God is in charge"; "Just for today"; "Keep it simple"; "How important is it?" ). I am in service to keep coming back and to give back to the group, which has helped me gain this new life of mine. I also thank God every day for the alcoholic in my life. Without him, I would not have found the doors to Al-Anon. Thank you!

Every morning when I wake up, rather than saying "Good God, it's morning!" I say "Thank God it's morning!" Al-Anon has given me a life better than I ever expected. I give back to the program by being there for the newcomer, sharing my experience, strength and hope, by attending meetings regularly and by getting into service.

I don't have to pretend any more

My life was affected by the drinker because he didn't know how to communicate without alcohol. He could only talk when he came home plastered after spending time with his friends. He was open was he was drunk, but cold and withdrawn when he was sober. I learned, by his example, how not to communicate unless I could pretend to be somebody else: another identity that people would like yet not see the truth about me. I was afraid to let people see the real me.

I've used the Steps repeatedly until I have all Twelve Steps memorized. Not only memorized, but I also go over the Steps and define each Step to make sure that I have a foundation for myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. With the Steps, I have learned to overcome my problems quite well. In fact, I now allow myself to be seen as real. No fake pretenses at all. I know now that I can be myself and not allow anyone to rule me nor to take over my life. I don't have to pretend any more.

I live my life on my terms, no one else's. This program has not only given me strength but also peace, serenity, and confidence. I used to think I knew it all, but I now enjoy learning and growing, and learning and growing, and learning and growing, ...

Unconditional love made all the difference

I “came out” as a gay man when I was 32 years old, thinking this would improve my relationships with family members. For many years I had harbored the belief that I was inadequate, and I constantly strove to earn my family’s approval. Deep down, this feeling of inadequacy, of being “less than” had a lot to do with my being gay and of being deeply ashamed of that. I feared rejection if my family knew the truth. After many years of living in torment, I made the decision to tell my parents and sisters. Finding the courage to do so, in those pre-Al-Anon days, was not easy; it was a white-knuckle experience every terrifying moment as I contemplated telling them, then actually did so.

One by one I shared this information about myself with each of my immediate family members. None rejected me and I discovered that my youngest sister is also gay. This brought us closer together and we shared our experiences of growing up together as gay members of the same family, finding much in common.

You might think this is a happy ending to my story, but in fact nothing changed for me. I felt the same inside and the longed-for change in my relationships with family members did not materialize. They treated me much the same as ever, and the love and approval I craved from them was still intangible to me. Slowly I came to realize that my “coming out” had not had the effect I hoped for, and I was filled with despair. I felt worse about myself than ever.

And just at this point in my life, when I was hitting a deep emotional bottom, the doors of Al-Anon opened, and I began to learn about the true nature of what was wrong in my life. Since I was in my early teens I had known I am gay, and for the next 18 years I had subconsciously believed that my being gay was “The Problem” that blocked my path to happiness and feeling loved. For almost as long, I had known that parental drinking had been an issue in my family, and it had several times been suggested to me that I check out Al-Anon. I never had, for all the usual reasons, firmly believing that I had not been affected.

Then, in March of 1986, I attended my first Al-Anon meeting to support a friend who had promised his counselor that he would attend at least three meetings in 30 days. I wasn't there for myself that first night (as few of us are when we initially walk through Al-Anon's doors) yet absolutely everything I heard applied to me! It was quite a shock, and my denial was broken at last. My friend did not make his third meeting, but I found the courage to return a few times in the weeks that followed that first meeting.

Each time I identified strongly with what was shared, particularly by those who described themselves as "adult children of alcoholics." Slowly the idea formed that maybe my being a gay man wasn't really the problem after all, that maybe "the Problem" was alcoholism. I kept coming back, and slowly, one day at a time, the unconditional love of the Al-Anon fellowship enfolded me. I was accepted exactly as I was, perhaps for the first time in my life. The members continued to share their experience, strength, and hope with me and to look beyond my being gay (where my focus kept returning) to my being affected by the family disease of alcoholism.

Gradually I began to heal: the group members accepted me, and that gave me permission to accept myself; they said they loved me, and that gave me permission to begin to love myself. It took a long time for me to begin to share in meetings, but I was assured that there are no timetables, no "musts" in Al-Anon and I could listen for as long as I needed to. In time, I found my voice, and the group members were patient with me when I "dumped" my pain in meetings.

Eventually I asked someone to be my sponsor, and later I began to work the Twelve Steps. Over many twenty-four hour periods I grew and healed and learned more about "the nature of my nature." I focused less and less on being gay as I grew in my understanding of the family disease of alcoholism and truly saw how it had devastated my entire life. It was not easy in those early days and weeks. Much pain, anger, and resentment -- long stuffed deep down inside and resolutely denied -- had to come to the surface and be felt so that I could release these repressed feelings and move on. It was difficult for me to find much to be grateful for in the beginning, but in time my negative attitude began to give way to more positive thoughts. Always the fellowship and the tools were there for me, and for this I am truly grateful. Gratitude is indeed an attitude.

I would say that the unconditional love I experienced in Al-Anon was the greatest factor in helping me love and accept myself exactly as I am. The family disease of alcoholism had stripped away my self-esteem, and others in the fellowship helped me gain it back. When I could neither accept nor love myself, others were there to accept and love me unconditionally. In doing so, they showed me the way; the power of example is indeed a powerful teaching method. I leaned on their strength, learned from their experience, and gained a newfound feeling of hope in the process. In time I came to want to give back what I had been given, and I freely share my story as a gay member of Al-Anon in the hope that it will offer courage and hope to other gay men and women who have been affected by this terrible disease.

Today, being gay is no longer “The Problem” in my life; it is no longer a shameful secret that I hide from family and friends. It is merely one part of who I am, no more and no less important than many other facets of my complex and unique personality. I have been given a new life that is second to none through the grace of the Al-Anon program and for that I am humbly and deeply grateful. I intend to “Keep Coming Back” because I know this program works.

The Serenity Prayer was a guide

Before Al-Anon, my life was a mess. I thought I was going crazy or something. I would be walking down the street and all of a sudden, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I didn't know why I was so unhappy. I found out later that I was in DENIAL.

I used the Serenity Prayer, at first as a mantra to take my focus off the alcoholic in my life. Later, the Serenity Prayer helped as a guide to acceptance -- a way out of denial. I gained courage to focus on myself and work on changing the things I could: ME.

I express my gratitude for the recovery I've gained by atttending a newcomers' meeting and sharing my story. I'm also in service on the group and District levels.

HOW equals honesty, openness, and willingness

I was affected emotionally, physically and spiritually by the disease of alcoholism. Both of my parents were alcoholics -- high functioning as far as holding jobs. I was taught how to look good, but not to talk about anything that happened inside our family. I called AA to find out how they helped alcoholics, and a man there told me about Al-Anon.

In Al-Anon, I unlearned the unhealthy messages from my alcoholic parents: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I learned a new, healthier way of life: how to say what I mean and mean what I say, how to trust my Al-Anon group (my family of choice), how to trust my Higher Power, how to feel my feelings. HOW equals honesty, openness and willingness. I used the slogans like a drowning person would cling to a life preserver. I hung onto a slogan, and it kept me afloat through many storms. I am no longer addicted to or attracted to the chaotic, unhealthy people. I am attracted to peaceful, healthy, serene people. I express my gratitude by living, serving, carrying the message of the program of Al-Anon. I am grateful to express my gratitude through griving my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program credit for changing and saving my life.

I've really changed

My great-grandfather, who died more than 20 years before I was born, was the alcoholic in my life. He raised my grandfather, who raised my father, who raised me. In this way, the craziness of alcoholism was transmitted through the generations and affects me to this day. From the time I was a very young child, I had emotional problems. I've been seeing therapists on and off since I was 18 years old. As a result of alcoholism in my family, I've suffered from mental illness all my life.

I started by attending lots of meetings on a regular basis as I was too sick to hold a job. Slowly my exposure to the Steps helped me to understand the spiritual principles of admitting the problem, the unmanageability of my life, believing in a Higher Power, and making a decision to turn my will and my life over to it. My progress has felt slow, but fellow members tell me that I've really changed over the past seven years.

I express my gratitude by doing lots of service to ensure that the Al-Anon fellowship in Hawaii will be there for others who still suffer, just as it was there for me when I first started mearly eight years ago.